Intensity isn’t always a bad thing. Intensely motivated, intensely driven, intense music, intense sports. Intensity, while it could be overwhelming, is an enriching experience more than anything.

But too often I am told that my personality, literally a fundamental factor in my very existence, is much too “intense” and aggressive for people to handle. It seems that in relationships, romantic or even friendly, having a passionate and dynamic soul is looked negatively upon. Some people have a hard time being around someone who wants enrichment, true connection, and the ability to get to know another person on a fundamental level.

I have cried too many tears over friends and lovers who mock my interests, good intentions and values because of their inability to relate. If I have learned anything over time, it is that many people prefer to live a simple and boring life, one that is easy and fundamentally simplified as a means to avoid stress and conflict. Those of us to love intensely, fight for their rights intensely, and have an otherwise “strong” sense of self and personality scare people like this away. We simply aren’t created for those in search of a mediocre life.

I have felt terrible about myself for years. I have wondered why I am unable to fit into a crowd normally. Why, for the love of God, can I not just be prim and proper and oh so lovely and laid back like I’m asked to be? What is so wrong with having an opinion, voicing it, and expecting people to fucking listen?

It has been difficult to find comfort within myself when I feel like I am faced with rejection and an inability to be understood. I try desperately to give those I love everything within my being, yet too often I am turned away with the excuse that I am too intense, too “much”, too highly strung. It is hurtful, depressing, and very much unsettling.

However, I have come to realize that I am not inherently wrong for being this way. I am not any less of a woman, any less of a friend or partner. I bring emotional intelligence, rationality, and extraordinary passion to each and every friendship and relationship I encounter. I can only be myself, and attempting to change for the sake of others who don’t understand me is fruitless.

I have found great comfort in friendships that I don’t have to change myself for. I have found people that don’t demand I alter myself, who accept me for who I am, and who appreciate my unique take on life and love. I know I am valuable and completely capable of being an amazing, loyal, and supportive friend and partner.

It is unfortunate and very heartbreaking for me to have lost great loves because of my unique personality. I have hated myself for my flaws instead of loving myself for my great abilities and uniqueness, and I have to realize that those who dismiss me to reject me are simply losing out in the end.

If you want a simple and “chill” life, I’m probably not the friend or lady for you. I crave deep bonds and passionate interactions, and I don’t want to feel like a misfit and a burden trying to appease someone. I know that I am normal, if not a bit odd, but nothing is wrong with me whatsoever. I have the great ability to love deeply, and I don’t think that is ever a bad thing.

Dont apologize for being intense. Instead, feel sorry for the other persons inability to love and appreciate your true self.

 

 

I don’t know about you, but I got some bigger fish to fry.

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Usually I find resolutions to be pointless and short lived. Most of us give up after a few weeks of trying something new, anyway. But I am really set on accomplishing at least most of my goals, so I hope to check off as many of the following as possible.

• Move closer to work. I’d love to find a nice apartment for me and Pickles and Pocket.
• Begin seeing a personal therapist weekly and consistently. I’ve kinda already started this, so I want to absolutely maintain this throughout the year. I want to find a therapist who is the right fit for me.
• Strive for better mental health and better peers. NO MORE toxic friends, relationships, coworkers, or even family. I want to prioritize my health and wellness for once and not allow myself to be surrounded by negative people.
• Start classes at Krav Maga at least 3x per week. Or some sort of bad-ass workout. I started working out again a few months ago and want to keep a regular schedule, and I especially think that sports like boxing or MMA would not only be a great way to stay fit but help me with self defense.
• Maintain a healthy weight. Between stress and no appetite, I really need to remind myself to eat during the day. I know this can only be aided so much, because my medication suppresses appetite as well. But if I am able to eat healthily and relatively consistently during the day (not too much, not too little), I will be proud.
• Work on getting back into school or in another academic program. After working with so many mental health professionals at my job, I have become inspired to study again and maybe work towards a career in medicine or psychology.
• READ! This seems to be a popular one, but I really want to read at least 12 new books this year (average of one per month.)
• Start a hobby. Volunteering, theater, something local to keep me busy and my mind active.

 

Do you have any goals for the new year??

xoxo Nat

Howdy internet,

I have had a lovely and much needed break from social media, including but not limited to Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I deleted my Snapchat and Twitter completely, and deleted apps for the rest. This cleanse lasted for the greater portion of 2018 and was the best decision I EVER made to ease my anxiety.

Now that I feel more stable and well, I am open to experimenting with Instagram again because I have always thought it was a simple and easy way to share fun memories, and to also give exposure to my blog. I am also interested in becoming secretly IG famous and receiving tons of useless tea and some random clothes from Fashion Nova. (I am only slightly kidding…)

Anyway, this brings up a really hard topic for me to cover because, you know, anxiety.

Look, social media is great for posting selfies and stalking coworkers, but it also acts as a barrier in relationships.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to pry men away from my account years back when I was posting regular gym selfies. These pictures weren’t even as provocative as others I have seen, yet men- MARRIED MEN AND MEN IN RELATIONSHIPS, MIND YOU- were most often the ones to like my photos, comment, and message me.

My issue has always been the context of what we follow and like, not necessarily social media itself. I would not mind if my partner had social media, or if he followed female friends, because guess what? I would do the same! I have completely platonic friends of all genders. However, I feel like there is a narrow line between having friends on your feed and engaging in their content. I follow male friends and coworkers online, but if they were to post something I consider sexual or inappropriate, I would not “like” that image or comment. It’s cool and all to think in my head, “Woah, my friend looks super healthy and fit with his abs!” but I do not think it is appropriate to actually press a button to signify this thought, ESPECIALLY if I am in a committed and monogamous relationship.

Seeing pictures of my hot gal pals is totally “YAAAS” worthy, but seeing that your boyfriend “liked” a sexy selfie of a female acquaintance just does not sit well with me. The same would go for women engaging in photos of men. Sexy selfies, shirtless photos, or otherwise more-than-friendly content is just a no-go for me. I feel that we should keep those -fleeting- thoughts in our own head and not have a paper trail online.

I have had issues in my past dealing with this, because I find that many men (or people in general, I suppose) are so incredibly desensitized to internet consumption that my concerns are apparently nonsensical, silly, or overbearing. Most people want to blame insecurity as the reason I have an issue with this, or perhaps that I am too jealous. LOL trust me, I’ve heard. it. all. 

But the truth is that I have been in therapy extensively since 2016, and I find that I am very self aware of my personal needs and emotions. I am justifiable in my opinion not only because of my anxiety, but simply because I morally disagree with it.

*GASP!* Wait, you mean a strong, self aware and cognizant female is allowed to have her own opinion on something?! I’m allowed to have boundaries?! 

Women tend to lower their standards simply because a self-entitled man wants to belittle their ability to think for themselves. While I understand that polygamous and open relationships are completely legitimate, each person and relationship is different and therefor should be able to have boundaries that fit their needs. What floats my boat might not be what you desire in a relationship, and that is okay! But do not minimize the needs of other people like me in order to accomplish your own agenda. Not cool, yo.

Also, I super duper KNOW I am not alone in this because even Derrick Jaxn, a renounced relationship and life coach, agrees in a way. If a woman has an issue with her man’s online activity, it is within her right to say something about it… and part of the commitment of her man to listen.

I read this interesting blog post. I like most of what the author has to say about social media, specifically Instagram. She writes:

“For example, if my boyfriend liked a photo of a girl’s ass on Instagram, I’d feel a little down about it. The thoughts in my mind would be, “Is my body not good enough? I don’t have an ass, and I don’t look like that.” In reality, I know that’s not the case. I’m bothered you decided to express your sexual attraction to a body that isn’t mine.“

!!!!!HELLO SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, INTERNET FRIENDS!!!!!!!

Seriously. A relationship is about giving someone the ability to hurt you, but TRUSTING that they won’t. A mature man or woman would not dare hurt someone they love just for the sake of their ego. It’s a simple click, like, tap, whatever- just stop doing it.

 

SOOO… whatcha think?

-Nat

 

 

Costco sells fresh açaí bowls now. Pretty damn cool. Only $5, thank you Texas!

An easy fix? A way out? A “happy pill”? You gotta be kidding me.

I come to this post with the intention of burning stereotypes about anti-depression meds to the damn ground. I’ve been belittled and misunderstood by many for admitting my struggle with mental illness, and my choice (well, actually my biological need) to be on medication. Truthfully, I can understand the confusion and fear surrounding medication. I understand that in a world full of he-said, she-said when it comes to health, trusting a doctor to prescribe medicine that *literally* works with your brain and body chemistry can be super scary.

Ultimately, however, there has to be a point where people come to terms with science, facts, and numerous anecdotal evidence that psychiatric medication is safe, effective, and is NEEDED.

With this being said, medication is by no means a magic wand that will instantly make you feel better. I feel that there is a misconception that anti-depressants are a “one size fits all”, and when the general patient discovers the first trial of antidepressants do not work as expected, a distrust and frustration comes between the doctor and the client. Doctors and specialists know what they are doing, and are experts on how to tailor- over time – medications to the patient uniquely.

I have been on multiple medications before FINALLY finding a combination of medication that works for me. Because this blog is my safe zone, and my free voice on the internet, I have no qualms detailing my history in therapy and psychiatry. Let’s break it down:

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2016 

I began taking an antidepressant during my first semester at NYU. I was prescribed Zoloft, a common SSRI, and started at a low dose and worked up to around 150mg. It gave me terrible night sweats, and did next to nothing for my depression and suicidal tendencies. Unfortunately I did not get off of Zoloft for almost a year or more. 

At this time, I was also prescribed Gabapentin to use as needed for anxiety. I often misused Gabapentin and had a difficult time regulating when and how to take it. I remember taking too much one night during a particularly bad panic attack, and shook the entire night while one of my friends held me to calm me down. It was some rough shit, yo. 

2017

I continued Zoloft and Gabapentin, despite their general ineffectiveness. I was also seeing a therapist at this time, who was amazing and really held me over until I finally realized my medication might also be an issue.

I was hospitalized twice this year, and was given general anti-anxiety and sleep medication like Trazadone for this. I also moved back to Texas during December after school. 

2018

This year has been a general shit show altogether, which I will talk about later. I switched from Zoloft to Celexa with a GP, instead of a Psychiatrist because apparently mental health care does not exist in the south. (I am of course exaggerating, but there is an extensive waiting list for most reliable practitioners here.)

After plateauing on the max dosage of Celexa, I was given Buspar as a PRN to use with Celexa. Buspar simply did not curb any of my panic attacks, which at this time were preventing me from functioning altogether. I was returning to my GP frequently with complaints. She agreed to give me a medication with a more immediate affect, Klonopin.  I replaced Buspar with this and it helped for a time, until I eventually was taking too much of it in order to avoid feeling emotions in general. 

I was hospitalized in June of this year for mental health and a major suicide attempt, which again I will discuss at a different point. The hospital took me off Celexa and placed me on the max dose of Prozac instead. They also regulated my Klonopin use to once per day and advised me to start Gabopentin again twice a day. 

Prozac was not terrible, but not nearly as efficient as I needed. I was in a major depressive episode and felt like I had no way to climb out. I was being closely monitored due to my recent hospitalization, and was referred to a Psychiatrist in Dallas. I did have to be on a wait list, but the doctor was amazing and completely understood my history and what I needed. He immediately switched me from Prozac to Effexor, an SNRI, and tailored my medication to 225mg. This is still what I take currently. He also made sure I was taking Gabapentin twice daily, and only using Klonopin as needed (ideally less that once per day.) 

Effexor has proven highly effective and the only medication thus far that has been able to mediate my depression and quite a bit of my anxiety. I feel better than I have in years, thank GOD. I have also been prescribed Prazosin as of late, to help with PTSD and nightmares, but I dislike the side affects of the pill so I try to use it sparingly. 

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If you counted correctly, you’d see that I have been on NINE (9) different medications since 2016. I am positive there are people who have had even more difficultly finding a proper anti-depressant.

GETTING HELP FOR MENTAL ILLNESS IS BY NO MEANS EASY. 

GETTING HELP FOR MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT A WEAK WAY TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS. 

FUCKING HELL, GETTING MENTAL ILLNESS TREATMENT IS THE BRAVEST THING TO EVER DO! 

 

If you have a story you want to share, comment or DM me.

-Nat

 

 

 

Poem series part 1

 

Depression, unfortunately, comes with some not so great side-affects. Everyone is different, I suppose, but for me I seem to have a negative correlation between my stress and depression, and my appetite. The worse my illness becomes in a given episode, the less I consume, and vise versa.

I guess losing weight unintentionally would be a great thing for some people, but for someone who already is suffering with major heath issues, losing excess weight is not needed or preferred. A lot of my clothes simply fit weird these days. Even clothes bought more recently seem to feel looser. I don’t particularly like this, especially because my eating disorder seems to be triggered with the consistent weight loss. I’m not quite as small as I was when suffering from anorexia, but I can sense myself thinking similar ED-like thoughts from before. I try to not weight myself frequently because of this.

What does it feel like to not eat all day? Sometimes, it feels pretty normal if not needed. I often am stressed and feel “full” of this energy and feeling, which usually translates into my stomach. Even without eating, my stomach will still occasionally feel bloated and not at all hungry. I also find it somewhat nauseating to chew and consume food. If I do find myself wanting food, it usually is something stronger and more potent in flavor such as french fries or maybe ice-cream, as I feel I can consume foods that really “spark” my taste buds a little easier than common foods that taste like nothing.

Alcohol or perhaps some smoking will mediate this and aid me in eating. But neither of these things are exactly health or recommended when taking other meds. So for the most part, I try to just eat something small and healthier in order to get me through the day.

If you have struggled with this as well let me know. I would be interested in hearing other people’s experiences.

Natalie

A picture is worth a thousand words, you say? WhAt dO YoU MEMe?

A compilation of amusing and satisfying images.

Love is a strange emotion.

How can billions of people experience love in such a similar way, despite our distinct humanly differences? How can one person speak of heartbreak in a way that would easily touch someone on the other side of the world? I find this fascinating. Perhaps love is unique in it’s way to unite otherwise estranged beings.

Love is strange in its ability to hurt just as much as mend. In my happiest times, love has been able to devastate me in ways I thought impossible- the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the expiration of a friendship. In my worst times, love has moreover been able to strengthen me. I’ve found solitude through love, knowing that despite financial struggles or emotional dispute, my love and loyalty stood firm with no limit to it’s capacity.

Or what about love during the happy times? Oh goodness, is that not the best? The warm feeling of gratitude and near-fantasy-esque glow of these beautiful times is incomparable to anything else. I have been blessed with these memories and the future for many more.

I hate to think that love could ever make worse of a situation. Love is such a pure element and feeling, however, that it can most definitely heighten already elevated feelings in times of despair. Heartbreak is my best, most personal example of this. I can not think of any pain worse than that of a broken heart, especially one that gave love unconditionally.

I am still trying to process my feelings of heartbreak, despite my current state of balance. Recently I have examined my life and thought it to be a strange thing, because in many ways I see so much that has changed in my life (mainly for the better), but my inability to completely break my heart and thoughts from the past is nearly suffocatingly uncomfortable. I am taking steps in the right direction, the healthy direction, the direction towards the future. But sometimes I simply feel stuck. I become stuck in my own brain and chest and body, and I feel like I am squished awkwardly into a time warp from hell.

Time tries to heal wounds. But some wounds heal with permanent damage, regardless of the time past. I am moving forward, but I am unable yet to forget.

Nat