Happy Pride month everyone! This is quite possibly my favorite PRIDE season yet (even after attending two years of Pride in NYC!). I am literally LIVING for all the inclusive brands, all the campaigns raising awareness, and all the cute and fabulous stuff I can buy to show off all year round. It’s the season of love, my dears.

I currently live in Texas again, where a lot of ignorance is brewed and stigma surrounds the LGBTQ+ community. I’m glad to be a proud supporter and ally, especially here in the south.

I am straight, to keep the explanation short. Most of the time explaining any more detail of my identity just gets confusing and overwhelming for people who aren’t familiar with the terminology, so I stick with a generic term that is, for the most part, very fitting. However, since this is MY blog and I can do what I want, I’m gonna do some dictionary work and bring to you some info even our lord and savior JVN would approve (hopefully).

I identify on the Ace spectrum. Specifically, I am hetero-romantic, demisexual. WOW BIG WORDS. Lets break this down:

Hetero = one, generally. I am a female, interested in males. Romantic= Romantically (I am including *sensually* here too, which by the way is different than sexually!).  So, in an essence, I am able to feel romantic attraction and sometimes sensual attraction with men, not women.

That was pretty easy. Now here is where things get complicated. What the fuck is asexuality? What the super fuck is demisexuality?

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. (Thanks Wikipedia!) 

Demi-sexuality is a sub-category of asexuality, more recently coined under the grey-ace category which is a middle ground between true asexuality and sexuality.

This wonderful infographic gives insight on the particularities of demi-sexuality, because it can get confusing.

I have always identified this way, although I have not always known these terms and titles. I feel what I feel (or, rather, what I DON’T feel) and I have learned after many years in therapy and through self work, that I am okay and normal just the way I am! Also, any truly loving and committed partner will make an effort to understand me and meet me in the middle.

However, I still do not necessarily include myself in the LQBTQ+ community. The Ace community seems to be buried under the carpet during Pride, almost as if we don’t exist or aren’t included because of our *lack of* sexuality, if that makes sense? To be fair, a lot of people don’t really believe we exist. “You just haven’t found the right person” or “You’ll want it/ enjoy it some day,” and all that jazz.

We are here and we are real. I am grateful for online communities like this and this that help me see other ace-spectrum folks and feel a bit better about expressing any thoughts or confusions I have. I only wish that the Ace community had a bigger spot in the LGBTQ+ community… after all, why else represent the “+”? Not only that, but there are still individuals in the Ace community that identify as queer, transgender, or homoromatic (or homosexual if they are demi or gray ace). We definitely deserve a larger platform, but I have faith that the community will become more aware and accepting and time passes.

For now, I can only write about my experiences and share my thoughts on asexuality. If you would be interested in hearing more, let me know. I would love to read your story or opinion on the matter, too- so comment away.

With LOVE,

Natalie

 

Monday, June 18th. I decided I was going to end my life.

I left work. I bought a 12-gauge shotgun. I went to a park in Plano, laid down, and shot myself.

Joggers saw me. They were the first to call 911- I found this out afterwards. I would have bled out if it were not for them. I still don’t know who they are, but God performs miracles for a reason.

Speaking of miracles- I should not be alive today. If you know how guns, let alone a shotgun, works then you will understand that I should be 6 feet under right now. Doctors told me every single day at the hospital for the next months that I was so, so, so incredibly lucky.

I have not always been a religious person. Mental illness, trauma, and abuse will strip away everything you have to believe in, even a God I once knew. But after June 18th, I have never questioned the guardian angel who watched over me as I quite literally escaped death.

I will forever have scars. I still have hundreds of pellets inside my body, peeking through my skin’s surface- a daily reminder of what could have happened. For whatever reason, the universe was not ready to let me go. I stand here with wounds and memories, but I am not paralyzed, I have no broken bones, and no organs are damaged. For this I am so thankful.

I am usually a very open person online, but it has taken me a lot of time to be able to share this. The only reason I share this is to raise awareness that mental illness and suicide are very real problems, and are probably affecting people you know and love. Very few people in my friend and family circle knew I struggled- and not a single person could have EVER imagined I would become so incredibly immersed in an illness that I would buy a gun and shoot my own body without reaching out to a soul. Mental illness took me to the darkest depths of my being, lying to me and convincing me that my life was burdensome to everyone, that I was worthless, and that my death would be for the greater good.

Now, I am in the healthiest place I have ever been in. I went through months of PHP, IOP, and still see a therapist regularly. I now work in the mental health field, and I am finally seeing that perhaps I was spared so that I eventually become the person I so badly needed during my time of pain. I am here on this earth to help others, to raise awareness, and to heal.

Mental illness has, in great, prevented me from continuing education and pursuing my dreams. For a long time, I was unable to even get out of bed, let alone return to a Masters program. I have spent this past year reflecting deeply on myself, my past, and my future. I have discovered so much about myself and have healed internal- and external – wounds that had been open for far too long. I have cut off abusers, I have remedied injured relationships, and I have created the most beautiful friendships and connections imaginable. Finally, I am returning to school part-time to obtain my LPC license. I am determined to use my experience and passion to continue helping others.

To all of my family, friends, and colleagues who have loved me and supported me: thank you so much for never giving up on me.

And to anyone struggling: please, reach out for help. Your situation is not permanent. You will be okay. It gets better.

I almost left this world too early to see just how important I am for both myself and to others. For the first time in many years, I am so grateful to be alive.

Emotional stability doesn’t come easy, folks. In fact, I’d bet money to say that the majority of people stand on an incredibly shaky see-saw, jostling back and forth and up and down on an emotional roller-coaster of highs and lows. But that’s just it- the highs and lows. Humans receive such an adrenaline rush from new experiences, or exciting prospects such as a new friendship or relationship, and we become addicted e a s i l y. The lows suck, but the thrill of the high keeps us coming back for more.

In situations of co-dependency and toxic relationships, people usually keep returning back to the same person (I’ll get around to this idea on a different post). But in general, humans gravitate towards people and situations momentarily to get their fix and then peace out. This is what the internet has described as emotional tourism:

 

Maybe Urban Dictionary isn’t the best source for a definition, but I find this to be most fitting. If you google emotional tourism, you’ll see a few variations of the term, but in general it means that a person feeds off of the energy of people and a situation until it no longer brings immediate gratification. 

A few examples that come to mind:

• That one friend who avoids commitment and has a new boyfriend every month, until she gets bored and tosses them away for the next. (I think Tinder and other easy-access dating apps really fuel the fire for this one).
• You receive a text from a friend about their stressful day, and reply with a well written and lengthy response to show your empathy and support. The next week, you text them something similar after a bad day at work and they leave you on read. (Or maybe they only say something along the lines of “that sucks”).
• Hanging out with people mainly because they have access to drugs, or will give you drugs for free. (This could also apply to alcohol).
• Dabbling in different diets and weight loss products constantly, purchasing all the needed foods and materials, only to try the system for a few days and fall off the band-wagon. (Think: WeightWatchers, P90X, Veganism, Paleo, Crossfit, etc).

Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but these are relatively accurate examples. I use these because I feel like we all know at least one type of person from the above descriptions, and it is pretty obvious to see how each of these individuals escape the “lows” of their lives with a constant influx of “highs”.

New boyfriends provide a constant sensation of new love and butterflies in your stomach, and despite the stability a long term relationship provides, an emotional tourist (in this example) is too afraid of facing emotional commitment and perhaps personal insecurities to get close to someone and let things simmer down, for lack of better term. It is more fun to jump from person to person, hook-up to hook-up, with a constant influx of DM’s and compliments to fuel their ego.

The friend asking for comfort yet failing to provide it is a great way to see the instability in an emotional tourist’s lifestyle. “Serious” talk becomes too overwhelming for them, as they have a hard time thinking practically about another person’s needs and emotions when they can’t even understand their own! When life becomes chaotic for them, they seek gratification and support from whoever can provide it- however, no one should expect the same type of care in return.

I feel like the drugs example is pretty self explanatory. Drugs, alcohol, and other types of dangerous yet ‘exciting’ stimulations are an easy emotional “out” for emotional tourists. If they know an easy and perhaps free way of getting these substances, they are basically hitting two birds with one stone – a brief escape from reality and a thrilling, ‘fun’ time.

The last example is funny, in some ways, because I have family members that do JUST this as I roll my eyes. However, I think it is a really important element to this concept of “tourism” because these individuals are gaining the thrill of what a new life could look like for them (a better body! a healthier diet!) but ultimately are unable to maintain the discipline and responsibility that lifestyle requires. They want to feel as if they are going all in and investing something, but usually this completely fails and results in wasted money and a short-lived rush of adrenaline.

Okayyy cool story Natalie, what’s the point of all this info?

I think it is important to understand this concept of emotional tourism because it could be potentially harmful to you (if you happen to be doing this) or others (if they are affected by it). It is also a good concept to know in case you are ever the ‘victim’ of emotional tourism, so you can find ways to set proper boundaries and not become vulnerable to what could become a hurtful or problematic situation.

This article does a pretty good job in describing how emotional tourism could be a side-affect of a traumatic break-up or loss. This might help to explain the sensation of rebounds after break-ups or perhaps a mid-life crisis after losing a job or a loved one. So, with that being said, emotional tourism is not always a permanent thing nor is it necessarily a personality trait. It very well could be a circumstantial issue that resolves itself in time- and, in these instances, I think expressing this type of impulsiveness could actually be a good thing. I have definitely bought one-too-many handbags or shoes as a result of emotion and not actual need, and I have never once regretting a rather               *e x t r a* treat-yo’-self splurge here and there.

The problem comes when this behavior goes without insightfulness or any sort of self-actualization. A constant stream of reckless, thrill-seeking behavior will only have you steam-rolling over people and probably burning bridges to what could be great (and probably more stable) opportunities. Having fun is important, but it is more important to know when to press the stop button and focus on self care, obtaining healthy goals, and creating meaningful relationships.

Let me know what you think! Have you experienced emotional tourism, or do you know anyone who has?

 

xoxo Nat

I was raised in a household that did not condone tattoos. I remember after my parents divorced, my father got a shoulder tattoo, and I was shocked and didn’t really know what to think. I never really thought I would end up getting one.

I always liked the idea of having a tattoo. I really think tattoos look bad-ass, although I know I could probably never pull off that “look”. For a long time I wanted to get a small astrological symbol – the constellation of Scorpio – on my ribs, or hip, or somewhere else that I could easily hide.

However, my good friend McKenzie gave me the idea of an olive branch. Kenzie has tattoos and was thinking of getting this for herself, but I guess I kinda stole her idea.

This is symbolic for me because I really resonate with the meaning behind it. After all the rains and floods in the story of Noah’s Ark, God presented an olive branch to promise peace and prosperity after the flood. I thought that I really needed this reminder, that there are great things awaiting me after these past few hellish years.

I went on a girl’s trip to Houston and decided to get it done there. I should have done more research about tattoos (I didn’t take Tylenol or even bring Vaseline) because getting a tattoo on my ribs HURT. It felt like I was being cut open with a knife. Good thing my tattoo is small, and the pain only had to be endured for about 10 minutes.

I’m not sure if I will be getting other tattoos, but for now, I am happy with this. I feel like it is super meaningful to me, and I love the design and placement.

Out with the old, in with the new!

Before 2018 ended, I promised myself that I would create the best possible reality in 2019. I envisioned growth, prospering, and great, fantastic new things.

However, the difficult thing about introducing new elements to life is that often times, this means letting go of old things. If you buy new clothes, you eventually have to get rid of your old stuff, unless you want a monstrosity of a closet. I guess the same applies to life. In order to stay healthy and organized, I need to throw away things that are no longer useful to me in order to make room for these newer, arguably better things coming my way.

My best friend, Abby, is a certified yoga instructor. She has completed her yoga teacher training, attends workshops, and goes to yoga all the damn time before returning to her hip and over-priced NYC apartment. I love her dearly, and she gives some pretty great advice. Abby has shared with me a helpful and yoga related concept of letting. shit. go. Shit=bad=not healthy=does not increase the value of my life. Hanging on to unhealthy habits and toxic people will ultimately tear me apart and ruin any hope for a stable lifestyle. Slowly, I am learning how to better take her advice and apply it.

I would like to share some of the habits and ideas in my life that are no longer serving me.

1.  Doing stupid shit. Listen, I am basically the Dionysus of dumb bitch juice and am known to chug that ish like a college frat student. What kind of stupid shit does Natalie do, you ask? While I stay out of legal trouble and avoid drugs like the plague, I still manage to do incredibly dumb and self destructive things. Not sleeping enough, not eating enough, and otherwise neglecting my body are just a few examples of this. I also have a terrible tendency to let trash-humans treat me terribly, which leads me to my next point…
2. I LET TRASH HUMANS TREAT ME TERRIBLY. Oh, you know, the usual. I love people with my heart on my sleeve. Friends, relationships, family, you name it. I care so much, in fact, that I have a hard time drawing firm boundaries and standing up for myself when people yell at me, call me names, or otherwise treat me like absolute garbage. No more of this in 2019, y ‘all!
3. Not prioritizing my own mental health. I have always focused on helping others while miserably failing at helping my own self. I’ve realized I can’t exhaust my resources and never refuel.
4. Trusting too easily and freely. Not everyone is malicious, obviously, but I have learned the hard way to not take someone’s word until I can reasonably justify their ability to follow through or be truthful. Actions speak louder than words.

I have had some very bad habits that I am proactively working to mediate. Now let’s chat about the great new stuff that is happening NOW, and will (ideally, absolutely, positively) continue to happen this year.

1. Growing in my professional life. I am super motivated to continue down a successful path at my current position and want to open new doors for myself.
2. Going back to school for my LPC license. I have a strong sense of direction for my academic future and know that obtaining a higher level of education will only improve my ability to perform in the workplace I am already in. I have scheduled to meet with an academic advisor at a school local to me in Dallas to see what my options are.
3. Finding validity and happiness within myself, for myself. People in your lfe should make you happy. This is healthy and expected. However, I’ve had the tendency to rely solely on my partner or my friends to contribute to my happiness while neglecting myself. For the first time in my life, I have found the ability to be comfortable and okay in my own skin. I am learning to not crave validation from anyone to feel secure within myself. Not only this, but I am also learning to do these things solely for the greater good of ME, and not anyone else!
4. Doing nice and healthy things for ME, ONLY ME, MUAH. I am drained from catering to everyone and anyone. I have tossed away major prospects in life from apartments to jobs to even school to accommodate others. When, Natalie, do you start saying “fuck you” to haters and do things simply for your OWN health and happiness? I’ve started NOW. If I want to get Panda Express at 10pm with my own credit card in my own damn car all alone, I will do that ish and make sure to blast Taylor Swift the entire ride. Random weekend trip to the beach? Sign me the hell up, hasta la vista. I feel so empowered doing things for MYSELF because I deserve it.
5. Surrounding myself with healthy people. I have learned that the people you surround yourself with will eventually influence your decisions! With this being said, I am developing an absolute no tolerance policy for the people I allow into my life- no tolerance for drugs, lying, toxicity, or negligence. No one is perfect, but the last thing I need in my life are people who use terrible coping mechanisms that inflict damage both internally and externally to those around them. I am wanting to be healthier with my struggles, so I can’t be around people who live and cope in unhealthy ways.
6.  Traveling. I have a itch to move around and see the world. Even if it’s just a short weekend trip, I LOVE to go visit a new city with some friends. Just a few weeks ago, I took a girls trip to Houston and we had a blast. This past weekend, I packed a bag and flew off to Memphis – speaking of which, I have a new item on my bucket list to visit all 50 states.

Of course, more is on this list. Maybe I will make a part two to this post. But for now, I send good vibes!

xoxo Nat

 

 

Howdy, readers.

Today I am providing a little edumacation. Some tea spilling. The usual.

Cognitive Dissonance. If you have been to therapy, you’ll know this common term to describe the overwhelmingly large proportion of problems most people experience. Humans love to live in paradoxes, apparently, and this contributes to our greater misery.

The textbook describes Cognitive Dissonance as “the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values.”

An easy example would be smoking. We know that smoking causes cancer, lung problems, and shitty ass breath – yet people still smoke cigarettes on a daily basis.

However, in terms of psychology, we have to explore this phenomena on a deeper level. People often live in their very own inconsistencies and struggle to find balance and stability between the two- because ‘balancing’ two completely opposing ideaologies is literally impossible.

In my most recent experiences, I’ve done this in the form of my relationships and my stance on feminism and women’s rights. I’ve tolerated absolute bull shit, including being hung-up on and straight up ignored, while still promoting a “screw shitty men” attitude to my friends and close female family members. If my sister had a man tell her that she was crazy or mentally ill, I’d be furious- yet there I was, completely accepting it and allowing myself to feel disgustingly ugly and indescribably unwanted because of the opinion of someone who couldn’t see my value.

I have driven myself up walls and burned holes in my head and heart trying desperately to balance an unstable life. There is no possible way to be happy and healthy while I simultaneously feed unhealthy and deprecating habits. Being “okay” with people I know using drugs, or treating me and others poorly, or anything else that I otherwise shouldn’t (and wouldn’t) advise my friends to be “okay” with.

It is a very difficult process to become a congruent person. What is it that we truly want, at our core? If we speak one thing and act opposingly, we are not acting holistically or consistently. If I say I want to be fit and slim yet eat poorly and fail to workout, my lifestyle simply doesn’t make sense. If I say I want healthy friends and habits yet accept friends who don’t share my morals and delve into hobbies like smoking or drinking, I am ultimately living in a lie.

All of these things are cognitive dissonance.

What would make me happy? To do x, y, z. How do I obtain this? To do a, b, c.

But what do we do? We do 1,2,3. We often are so incredibly stubborn (and ignorant!) as humans. In order to live a healthier and happier life, we absolutely have to make our WORDS align with our ACTIONS.

This is something I am learning and slowly becoming better at. I encourage you to talk to a therapist, doctor, or specialist about this topic and see if it is affecting your life, too- you might be surprised.

 

Listen, I know I haven’t exactly been eating enough lately between stress and medical problems. But surely my ass ain’t THAT FLAT, damnit.

I’m still cute though. I mean, Victoria’s Secret models are skinny and apparently they’re still considered sexy?

This post was also just an excuse to showcase images of myself. On a side note, I have purchased a Groupon for CrossFit.

I was introduced to the sweet liquid Satan back in high school. No, not heroin, but boba, which is considerably worse.

Sad? Boba. Happy? Boba. Failed a test? Scored a job? Sucky weather? Boba, boba, boba

I have probably consumed more calories from bubble tea than actual human food these past few years and that is O-K by me.

(But seriously, please sponsor me)

Apparently, even Kylie Jenner eats the 1¢ Wonder of the broke. What a phenomenal way to relate to us mortal folk, Kylie!

Anyway, on another edition of “will this food make me throw up?” I pretty easily devoured cup ramen at work today.

Little did le me know, I apparently wasn’t supposed to *microwave* the already heath-hazard container. It ended up fine.

Look, even some pepper to make it a real meal!

I also drank boba today from one of my fave spots in Dallas. The lady was very nice and wanted to “match” my drink to my lipstick. Aren’t I a special cupcake?

On a much more important note, my puppy, Pickles, has somehow managed to find a way to escape his cage during the day while we’re gone. He’s a wizard, obviously, and much too cute to *actually* punish.

I have been relatively fine lately health wise. I should start working out regularly again, but I’m exhausted after work and really want to just crash right now! I’m managing some stretching each day and that has helped me a lot. Unfortunately, I notice that my Restleg Leg Syndrome really acts up more than usual when I’m stagnant throughout the day, so I feel as if keeping active is imperative to actually being able to sleep at night.

Physically, my back has been aching a lot. I have to minimize my medication intake, but will take Tylenol to help with this, usually at night. I have continued to take my vitamins too, which is a great *adult* thing to celebrate!

Mentally I am doing well, and see a great therapist weekly. My medication was reduced from my SNRI and PRN meds down to just my SNRI, so my anxiety has been harder to manage. But, I’m in a much better and more fluid place than I was even a year ago and feel like my overall sense of self and my ability to regulate has increased enough to compensate for the lower amount of medication. It’s still a shit show sometimes, but whose life isn’t?

Writing, talking, venting and surrounding myself with supportive friends and family has been very helpful in reducing my stress and anxiety.

I’m actually interested in competing in a loca poetry slam in Dallas, so if this commences, I shall record it and post it here. My sister is an active member in the poetry club at her highschool, so I am definitely inspired by her wit and skill to try it for myself.

Anywhoo, that’s a brief life update.

Let me know how life is going for you!!

 

Xoxo Nat

 

New cravings, experiences, and outings, galoreeeeee

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