Last year, I wrote about all of my goals for 2020 and how I wanted to continue traveling and exploring the world. I wanted to go to 12 new places, or around 1 new place per month. At the time, it seemed like a reasonable and fun challenge.

Once Covid-19 hit the U.S., lots of things changed. Staying away from others, in my home, was far from what I had pictured for my 2020 year. Despite the set-backs, I have travelled (SAFELY) a few times since Corona began. While I have been home much more than I would have liked to be, I still feel like my year has been decent. I wanted to share the fun stuff I experienced during this rough year, with hopes next year will be better.

For the ease of reading and enjoying, I have decided to make this a four-part series. I realized that I have quite a bit to write and share for each month, so giving yall three months at a time might make each post less daunting.

January

I rang in the new year with Jose and my other friend, Preston. We drank champagne and stayed in at my apartment in Dallas. I went to Colorado a few days later alongside my friend Eddy, where we stayed in a cool Air BnB with a giant projector and watched Breaking Bad. We got coffee the next morning at a cute shop called Pablo’s Coffee, then we stopped by the airport again to pick up our friend Kenzie.

We spent the day touring the Coors Light factory. We had the option to purchase a guided tour, that included a tasting of multiple different Coors beers at the end! Unfortunately we did not have time this trip, but it is something I would like to do in the future. Instead, we completed the self guided tour which was just as fun. The gift shop inside the building was huge, so we stopped by and purchased a few novelty items. I grabbed a cute beanie, pictured below. After our Coors tour, we asked a local worker about a nice place to hike. She suggested a local trail just minutes down the road, so we drove that way in our rental and spend a few hours hiking up the terrain. The weather was chilly, but wonderful, and the views were magnificent.

Later that month, Kenzie asked me to come with her on an impromptu trip to the Grand Canyon. (I should probably mention, Eddy and Kenzie worked for Southwest Airlines and had the privilege of free flights. I sometimes was given a free flight too. How cool is that?) So, with a 24 hours notice I packed a bag and headed to the airport. Kenzie and I flew into the Phoenix airport on a cool afternoon. We rented out a small little car, and explored the city for some grub. We settled on a cute little Mexican spot, where you walked into a little bus-like building to order your food. We ate some burritos on their outdoor patio and enjoyed the sunset. Phoenix is an absolute VIBE, by the way. The casual, chill atmosphere paired with the gorgeous mountains, cacti and weather is amazing. Absolutely I will visit again!

We drove the three hour trek to our Air BnB (not gonna lie it was low key sketch), which was just half an hour away from the Canyon. We slept just a few hours, because we agreed to wake up early and watch the sunrise. Despite being tired as heck, I am SO glad we did this! We drove our rental out in the fields and parked, listening to the iconic “Always Remember Us This Way” and watching in awe as the sun lit up the mountains, the land, then the whole sky.

We packed up from our BnB, then headed out to our destination. Along the way, we saw a few signs on the side of the road offering beef jerky for sale a few miles ahead. The signs were clever, and funny, basically saying things like “It’s good, I promise” and “I am not a weirdo”. So, obviously, we stopped alongside the road when we saw the man pitched up with his tent. Apparently, the jerky business was his father’s, who was too elderly to continue selling on his own. His son took up the business, and sold it in a few different markets… including the roadside. We bought a bag and monched on it while we continued to drive. It really was good, so thank you, strange jerky man!

We stopped by a Starbucks before entering in the private area for the park. A stranger randomly gifted us their day pass for the park area, which saved us a few bucks! So we happily drove in and found our way to the Grand Canyon tourist area. It was a super cute little area, with a few buildings dedicated to a gift shop, a visual guide with history info, and an area where you could wait for a free bus tour. Kenzie and I braced the cold to wait for the bus, which took us to MULTIPLE points alongside an area of the Canyon. I have NEVER seen something so wild, huge, and amazing! Both of our jaws dropped when the bus took the first turn, and the Canyon became visible. The bright reds were gorgeous, paired with the snow and greenery. We took so many pictures!

February

My main “trip” in February was attending Mardi Gras! I had never been before, and it was on my bucket list of things to do in my life. New Orleans was an entirely new city for me as well, so I was PUMPED to explore it.

I knew I wanted to attend for a while, so in 2019 I booked hotel reservations near NOLA to secure a spot before everything was either booked or sky-high expensive. In a very Natalie-esque fashion: DO now, PLAN later! aaand that is basically what happened. Plans were solidified about a month in advance. The entourage was myself, Kenzie, Jose, and our friend Summer. We borrowed Jose’s dad’s giant car to drive the 7+ hour trip down to the bayou.

If you know me, you are aware that a hate car rides. Cars scare me in general, and the thought of sitting on my butt bones for any longer than absolutely necessary sounds painful. The trek from Dallas to New Orleans is over 7 hours, and I knew from the start that I was gonna have a hard time. We planned accordingly and decided on making an overnight stop in Bossier city, a casino hot spot in Louisiana. It was almost at a halfway point between DFW and our destination, and we figured we could check out the slots, too.

In freezing temps, we checked into our little motel in Bossier and dressed up for our night out. We drove around to a few casinos, inhaling the cigarette smoke and trying to figure out why on earth there were SO MANY SLOT MACHINES. The good news was that in Louisiana, you can drink alcohol in the casinos for *free* so long as you are playing the slots. Meaning, you can do exactly as we did and put $5 into the penny slots, drink free tequila sunrises, and win absolutely nothing. It was more fun than it sounds.

The next morning we made the rest of the drive to New Orleans. Being the Saturday before Fat Tuesday, the city was PACKED. Driving through the French Quarter in broad daylight was very difficult, with thousands of people partying in the streets and music blasting from every street corner. We made it to our hotel, thankfully, and decided to uber to a restaurant before venturing into the city ourselves. The spot was a popular seafood place, which seemed fitting because NOLA is known for their amazing seafood fare. I ordered a fried seafood platter that had crab, shrimp, oysters and other goodies. It was yummmm. From there, we got a lift to downtown, where the madness happened.

First, I should probably mention that both Summer and Kenzie were already tipsy from dinner. Now, we were on Bourbon Street, where free reign of alcohol was every square inch you looked. Around this time, I kinda decided to just stay relatively sober because the party downtown was INSANE. When I tell you that this gathering was the MOST amount of humans I have ever seen in my life, all squished together in the dirty streets of the post-parade, Mardi Gras madness… holy hell. I could not even hear myself think. Moving down the streets was a challenge, and every single bar and shop was packed beyond belief. Live music was protruding from every bar, rowdy partiers lined the streets absolutely plastered from drinking all weekend. From the tops and porches of buildings, hundreds of people were shouting, drinking, and encouraging passing pedestrians to flash them so they could throw down piles and piles of beaded necklaces. (Speaking of which, the streets were absolutely FILLED with these beads! It was like Party City came in and dumped their entire inventory on to the streets of New Orleans.) We went inside to explore a few bars, and got a few drinks for the group at a perfectly jazzy, dark lit bar that was loud as could be, and lined up wall to wall. For a $7 drink, I didn’t really expect much- but holy SHIT that was strong! WAY too strong for me. I just wanted something to sip on while we explored, but this concoction basically tasted like liquor and spices in my mouth. I drank as much as I could bear, and let Jose sip on the rest of it, while Summer and Kenzie were still having a drunken blast with their night.

This is where things got weird. At this point in the night, it was nearly 3am, super cold out, and the streets were still packed as ever. We had gotten the idea to start moving out of the downtown area, to see if we could catch an uber somewhere back to our hotel. Well… as we were walking down the streets, all holding hands to not get lost, Kenzie realized she couldn’t find her phone! Before we could help her look, she had darted in the opposite direction, swallowed by the crowds and nowhere to be seen. The three of us embarked on the journey of finding our friend, who was drunk and apparently phone-less in the middle of Mardi Gras. We were wanting to locate the bar that we last left- ideally, that is where she would have headed. But in all the madness, it was almost impossible to find it! It was as if the bar disappeared into thin air, because it seemed like we traveled up and down those streets countless times without being able to locate it. Worse of all, we couldn’t even remember the name of the place, because we just walked into a random spot that caught our eye. I kept calling Kenzie’s phone, which did not ring, and tried to locate it with the Find My Iphone app only to see it had been DISCONNECTED.

Eventually, I got a ring on my phone from Kenzie’s mother. She frantically explained to me that Kenzie was able to reach her through a strangers phone, and she provided us with the name of the bar she was at. We were then able to GPS where the hell the spot was, and FINALLY we found her! Holy crab cakes. I made sure her mom knew that luckily, we found her daughter, but her phone was probably gone forever. (PSA, even as adults please share your contact information with loved ones. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD EXAMPLE OF AN EMERGENCY SITUATION. YIKIES). Before we left, we decided that we all four needed a pee break, so we stood in line together and all squeezed into the little women’s bathroom for a bit of relief. On a decent note, Jose forgot that he brought a joint with him, and we decided that the dirty bathroom in the middle of Mardi Gras was a great place to smoke weed. Honestly, best point of the night. After a ridiculously expensive Uber ride, we got back to the hotel and passed out.

The next morning, we packed up the car and rode into the city again. We found parking, and grabbed brunch at a cute restaurant right across the pier. We all shared a pitcher of sangria, as well as some delicious beignets. I had a classic muffuletta sandwich, which was also super delish. The rest of our day was much easier than the previous night, as the streets were significantly less crowded, and the beautiful city was much easier to see! We wandered around the shops, stopping at the famous Cafe Du Monde to pick up coffee for souvenirs. Exploring the port was especially fun; being able to see the art of the city, the giant boats on the dock, and the locals of New Orleans really brought out the charm of the city. We took off on our way back home in the late afternoon, knowing a long drive was ahead of us. Despite all the ups and downs of the trip, we all look back now and are so glad we went.

March

Ah, yes. The beginning of this Covid madness. As the country began to learn about the virus, I was laid off from my office job and suddenly found myself with a ton of time on my hands. I was used to working my 9-5 during the week, and picking up a shift or two at a bar where I worked my second gig. Now, everything just came to a stop. It was pretty weird! Foolishly, I expected things to go back to normal within a week or two. (Oh boy, was I wrong.)

At the beginning of the month, Jose was also let go from his job, and we decided to take a rendezvous to the beach. Despite March still being in spring, Texas assumed it was summer and the weather was really nice for a trip to the ocean. We took the three hour trip to Galveston, enjoying the ride and listening to Bad Bunny. We rented out a cheap hotel on the island, and spent a majority of our time at the shore and exploring Pleasant Pier, an iconic Galveston food and carnival ride destination. Jose forced me on to some rides, which at first I was excited to go on. I have liked rollercoasters in the past, but I guess my tolerance has drastically changed because I nearly shit bricks on the few rides we got on. I did, however, enjoy the merry-go-round ride made for children. To end our first and last night there, we found delicious tacos at a Michoacana and chowed down a few yards away from the ocean. The weather was amazing, the ocean breeze was refreshing and we had the beautiful view of Pleasant Pier. It was a super fun and enjoyable time, but looking back, I am simply thankful we did not contract the virus.

Shortly after that, my friend Eddy offered Jose and I a roundtrip ticket to go to Denver with him. He wanted to explore the city and pick up a few things, and Jose had never been to Colorado. We gratefully accepted the invitation, and boarded the flight with masks in hand. At the time, no place was requiring face masks! So many people at the airport and in the flight were mask-free. While we were still unsure of the severity of the virus at the time, we played it safe and came prepared with face coverings and hand-sanitizer. We enjoyed our ‘freebie’ day trip to the gorgeous city, and I really loved being able to show Jose a few parts of Denver. We left later that day, with some goodies in hand.

I met up with my girlfriend Tracy and her husband to grab a few drinks at a bar, right before the pandemic became huge. This was before Texas shut everything down! It was a really nice outing and time to visit, despite things being confusing around the world. I don’t think anyone really knew the kind of severity Covid had at this time. The majority of folks just thought it was something that would pass, and not be so bad. Tracy, who is immunocompromised, really had to hunker down after this because of her lupus. I’m glad we were at least able to see each other in a ‘normal’ setting before shit hit the fan.

After everything shut down, Jose and I took a short day-trip to Sulphur Springs, Texas where a pair of GLASS bathrooms are located. My grandmother actually lives just around the corner from these bathrooms, so my family and I saw and explored them years ago when they were first built. Jose, however, had never been to the small east Texas town, and was very inclined to go. We explored the vacant down-town square and took photos and videos of the obscure bathrooms, which were basically square buildings with one-sided see through glass. Why anyone would want to watch folks outside while they pee or poo is beyond me, but it is a funny thing to see none-the-less.

Besides these trips and outings, I spent the majority of March at home. I stocked up on alcohol while I could, and had a few folks over to drink with here and there. It is still so crazy to imagine what life was like before shutdown, quarantine, and the worsening of the pandemic. I played the next few months much more safely, with caution being taken any time I took a trip or any outing.

Despite the really terrible things 2020 has brought on, I still have found this year to bring many blessings and wake up calls. One of those blessings would be my husband, Jose, who is one of the best humans I have met in my life.

We were friends for a long time, before ever dating or becoming a couple. I think this set us up for success, in reality, because I knew how great of a human he was in a completely platonic way before anything else happened. Once we decided to be together, lots of things just fell into place perfectly. I could not have asked for it to have turned out better.

Shortly after getting married in September, we found out that I was pregnant! The new was exciting and also a bit scary, seeing how soon it happened. But, in relation to my past with pregnancy and loss, I felt really confident this time around.

In 2019, I was still in a back and forth, toxic relationship with my ex. I discovered I was pregnant in December 2018, and was stressed during the entire pregnancy. My ex, at the time, was heavily pressuring me into an abortion. He told me at one point that if I did not abort, that he would kick me in the stomach. I refused to abort, because I wanted to keep my baby, and it was not his choice.

I spent the next few months in distress, to say in the least. My ex was still talking to other girls, lying to me about a lot of what he was doing, and overall treated me very poorly. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse and neglect were common, and I was an emotional mess. I spent a lot of time crying, worrying, and not getting any sleep. Financially I was struggling, and my ex did not help with that situation, either. I wasn’t eating enough, I was constantly sad or angry, and somehow I still had to work a 40 hour work week. To put it simply, it was a lot to deal with.

Despite seeing a healthy heartbeat at my first checkup at 7 weeks, I lost the pregnancy in the third month. It was a very scary, traumatic experience and made me very anxious to ever have another pregnancy. I was deeply hurt and depressed, and did not speak about the issue often because very few folks even knew I was pregnant at the time.

Alongside the miscarriage, I was also struggling with the new discovery of my bicornuate uterus. While it is not entirely uncommon, my OBGYN considers the condition to be sort-of like a “unicorn” of uteri and that not a huge population of women are affected. My uterus (or rather, two uterus) are deviated deeply, making the cavity of each uterus very small. This condition, in general, makes pregnancy a difficult and sometimes high-risk experience. I was terrified that all my pregnancies would result in miscarriage because of it.

Flash-forward to now, late 2020. I am just over 17 weeks pregnant as I type this, and so far, this pregnancy has been healthy. My husband is a life-saver, and it is an amazing feeling to know and see how much he adores me and the unborn baby. He has made this pregnancy a really nice, exciting experience- a complete 180 difference from my last one. Jose has been over the moon the entire time, and his family is incredibly supportive, excited, and uplifting as well.

The emotional turmoil of having a pregnancy after loss has been very difficult to manage. I wake up every day, happy to see a growing belly, but also terrified that something might not be right during the next appointment. I am scared to go to the bathroom, fearing that I will see blood, and every pain or cramp sends me into anxiety. I am so blessed that I have Jose in my life, and that both our families have been wonderful during this journey. I know that the universe has heard my prayers and manifestations, and is finally sending me blessings and happiness.

Jose and I wanted a girl for the longest. I mean, what woman doesn’t want a “mini-me”? (Okay, I take that back, maybe a lot of women don’t… hehe). Jose also saw himself as a girl dad, dressing her up and pampering her. But, come our gender reveal, we found out we are having a boy! Admittedly it has taken me a minute to come to reality with that, but of course, I am still happy as ever.

We have already been gifted so much baby gear. Jose’s dad just bought us a beautiful crib, and we are in the process of converting our second room into a nursery. I will write more on the process of this, as well as other pregnancy experiences I have. For now, I just wanted to announce the happy news to all.

We are so excited to meet our little one in May 2021!

xoxo Nat

My last post on this blog was 9 months ago, in January. Now, it is mid-October and lots of changes have happened in my life.

I have wanted to return to the blog for a while now, but truthfully I have been unsure about what to post. Not that my life has been uneventful (it hasn’t), but after a while of getting into a rut of depression, and not posting regularly, I felt almost guilty trying to come up with something to post here when I’ve been so quiet.

If you have kept up with any of my other socials, you’ll see I’ve been alive and well. I have travelled quite a bit (at least, as much as I could with Covid), I have done a couple of modeling gigs, and even got married! I will need to make separate posts on all these topics because I definitely intend to get this site back up to date.

In March, I was working still at a psychiatrist’s office before getting laid-off before Covid hit. I’ve been waitressing part time, to make ends meet. I am blessed that financially, things have been okay. There have definitely been really bad points these past few months, but I have been able to keep things together as much as possible. I feel really lucky to be able to say that.

After being laid off, my life became unusually quiet. I was used to working two jobs, going to school, and trying to manage a social life. Suddenly, everything just came to a hault. The first few weeks, maybe even month or so, were actually pretty nice. I was happy to not have anywhere or anyone to report to, for the first time in years. But after a while, my depression started to deepen and things became much more difficult. I’m sure that a lot of people in the world right now can relate.

I’ve tried my absolute best to stay occupied and productive. But, admittedly, I have done less during these months than I feel I should have. In reality, I suppose I’ve accomplished a bit…I:

• Moved into a townhouse
• Finished some school
• Fostered kittens
• Got married
• Maintained some form of income
• Stayed on top of my antidepressants
• Continued going to therapy

But there is such a huge part of me that feels unaccomplished. Why did I not let my blog flourish with all this new free time? Why did I not do better in school? Why did I not master a new hobby? I feel overwhelmed with things I could, or maybe “should” have done differently these past months. In many ways, I wish I allocated my time and energy differently so that I would have more to show by the end of the year.

Then again, I have to remind myself that this type of thinking is not healthy nor is it realistic. A lot of things have changed in the world this year. Between a global pandemic, personal depression, the rampant racism in the U.S., and the stress of the November elections, there has been *plenty* to deal with without adding on new hobbies or whatever else I “should” have been doing. I guess it is okay to just survive, for the time being.

In the past, I have aimed to post at least once a month so that at the end of the calendar year, I have a multitude of posts to refer back to. Because there has been such a delay between this post and my last, my intentions are to post more regularly so that I can get this blog back up and running.

How have you been handling 2020?

Nat

A like on Instagram. A Snapchat from your BFF. A DM on Facebook. These are things we probably have all received at some point or another.

We live and thrive in a world where social media is the norm- if you’re not on it, you’re the weird one. Entire businesses rise and fall because of one stupid post, and people are out there making bank simply by posting their ass cheeks. (honestly? not a bad idea.)

Social media is one big huge factor in people’s lives, and I find it pretty easy to see why. You can post a little somethin’ som’, and folks from across the world comment, interact, and share. I guess for older generations or conservative people, having information spread out over the internet might not be their cup of tea, but for most of us social media serves as an awesome way to interact with others.

With all this being said, why is it that we post online? Why do we crave validation from random online strangers who “heart” our pictures? Honestly, I think it is normal to 1) enjoy a bit of attention and 2) have a cool platform to share things you do and enjoy. Is it annoying? Yes. But do I enjoy it? You bet.

Enjoy this fun compilation of photos from different “photo shoots” I have done with friends. I’m also ready and willing to follow and like your stuff, so link your socials or blogs below.

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LOVE U!!

xoxo Nat

Thank you to everyone who read, commented, and messaged me about my June post on my near-death experience with suicide. I am so appreciative of everyone’s support, and I hope that my message helped anyone who is in need of strength or motivation.

I am typically an over-sharer, if anything, and tend to not hold back in conversation or on social media. Even from a young age, I have shared my pro-choice, body-posi, ED-aware, LQBTQ+ support from every angle of my life. I talk about it, I share quotes and articles online, and practically catapult myself forward into any movement I feel called to stand behind. I am usually an open book.

So to take a serious social media hiatus was a big deal (at least, to me). I spent close to 6 months or more completely offline after my event last June. After my slow return, I still kept to myself and even deleted images and posts I no longer felt eager to share. It was very difficult to think of the trauma, let alone share my experience to people I am not close to. Only a few vital family and friends knew what had happened, and I was quite worried of sharing my information online for co-workers, old friends, and past colleagues to see.

I am glad that I made the decision to open up publicly. My mother and close friends encouraged me to do so, because I truly have made so much progress mentally (and physically). Hopefully, my post serves to help people currently struggling. If I am able to help someone in any capacity, sharing my story was completely worth while.

Time has passed and I am still not completely over the ordeal. The emotional labor, the physical trauma, and the absolute mental mind-fuck that I survived throughout 2018 was indescribable. I would be a fool to say I have been able to completely unpacked everything that manifested that day, the days after, or even throughout the aggressive build-up to the attempt. I know that this is something I will carry with me throughout the rest of my life, and I have to be okay with that.

But, in retrospect, my life has greatly improved in nearly every aspect. I genuinely feel the happiest and most satisfied that I ever have. Things are not always easy, but I am proud of how far I have come. I am sharing some of the things that have helped me regain some sort of balance after a lot of chaos.

Travelling. I made a goal to explore last year, and made really great memories along the way. I will make a separate blog post about all the cool places I went to during 2019, but for now I will add in a few cool pics.

Travelling and seeing the world really helped me realize how small my problems seem in comparison to how big the world is. Getting out of my home town area and experiencing different climates and cultures was exhilarating. I feel like travelling can become a bit of an addiction- the rush of planning, booking, and going on a trip is so thrilling. I was able to grow in a healthy way, and make memories alongside great friends.

Making new friends, and strengthening those I already have. (Also, growing apart from some people). I really enjoy meeting new characters and seeing all the different personalities the world has to offer. I think it is important to get social sometimes and put yourself in new and sometimes uncomfortable situations, if at least for the sake of networking. I have met a lot of really cool and talented folks through events and travelling.

I suppose it is only fair to say that I also lost people this year. I am working to stay true to myself, and true to what I believe is best for me in the long run- and unfortunately some people removed themselves or were removed from my life this year. I am trying my best to handle this maturely, and with kindness.

Investing time into spirituality and finding my higher self.  I have gone back and forth with religion (Christianity) and I suppose if you ask me, I’ll tell you I’m a Christian. I belong to the Methodist church and for the most part, I’ve met decent individuals through this denomination. But I still do not fully identify with Christian teachings, and for my own personal peace, it is important for me to continue down a path of spirituality and finding my own sense of higher power.

I am cautious about certain alternative practices, such as paganism or witch-craft, but I do think certain non-conforming practices are really practical and useful. I began occasional meditation, and even went to a meditation class. I found this to be helpful alongside regular therapy. I also really enjoy “cleansing” spaces with sage or herbs, and have meddled in Tarot card readings too.

I want to stop fighting to universe and my natural path. I want to learn to be better in-tune with my environment and the messages energies are trying to give me. I downloaded Co-Star and The Pattern, which are really helpful and enlightening apps. Of course, who knows how legit all of this is. But it does help me and I really enjoy learning about it.

Embracing my weirdness. Or fuck, at least trying to. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an oddball, goofy person, and that probably won’t change much over time. I really think that I’ve developed humor as a coping mechanism for some things, but I don’t find it to be much of an issue- if anything, it helps me be more honest. I am trying my best to just be myself and better express what I like and don’t like in life, and being more firm about embracing and celebrating my individuality and independence.

In order to move on after trauma… you have to put in a lot of work. A lot of time is spent staring at yourself at the bottom of the barrel, and trying to figure out how you’ve contributed to your own fuck ups. I have made the choice to move on in life, to get up and prosper and continue to take steps forward. I have been given the gift of life and have quite literally been spared from death, and for that I feel obligated to embrace the ups and downs in life and roll with the punches. I am looking forward to this new year and my continued growth.

xo

Nat

 

 

Adulthood is difficult. I’ve come to realize that the “grown ups” in my life are probably, in many ways, just as clueless about decisions, growth and decisiveness as I am. Growing up isn’t a linear path. It isn’t even a process that can be thought out and prepared for. Transitioning from youth into an independent, resourceful and successful individual is a strange and scary process, and I understand why most everyone fails along the way.

I don’t come to this post with judgement. I am aware and okay with the fact that no one is perfect, and everyone is flawed. I do, however, think that at some point in time it is important (if not absolutely vital) for everyone to start taking accountability for their actions if they ever want to get their life and goals in check. At the end of the day, we are completely responsible for our own success and happiness.

I reflect a lot on my life, my past, all these crazy things I could have done differently. What if I never moved back to Texas? What if I never said this, what if I never did that? All these hypothetical “what ifs” plague a good majority of my mental capacity. I am working to combat this, because living presently and in the moment is the only true was to experience life and happiness. Continuously bastardizing myself for past mistakes or fantasy situations is pointless, and a waste of energy. I am working on becoming more comfortable with reality, and that is okay.

With this being said, I am becoming more enlightened to my own strengths and weaknesses every day. I think this is an important first step in accepting myself, prioritizing myself, and valuing myself.

Things I know I am good at:

• Empathy. I am an empath by nature and nurturing others is the name of the game. I am a good listener, maintain a sharp memory and will always go above and beyond for the people that I love.
• Work Ethic. I want to be on time. I want to do a job well. I want to have a good morale, and an enjoyable presence at work or in my personal projects.
• Loyalty. If you didn’t already know, my Scorpio ass is VERY loyal and committing. I am true to my word, and will go out of my way to make sure I am staying reliable and open to others.
• Passion. You best believe that when I want something, ain’t nothin’ stopping me! I will happily stay up past my bedtime, work in overdrive, and engulf myself in an idea or person if it means I feel happy and successful at the end.
• Humor. Oh lawd, I am a goofy person. I am serious and intense in most of my endeavors, but anyone who knows me can attest to my light hearted, sometimes non-PC sense of humor.

Things I am working on:

• Self care. This includes boundaries, emotional connections, things of the sort. I know it is important for me to say “no” sometimes, and I am working on that.
• Self respect. I want to respect myself. My close friend, Eddy, once told me that he wishes I saw myself the way others see me, because if I knew my worth and value I would not allow others to mistreat me.
• Nourishing myself. When I am stressed or depressed, I have next to no appetite. I will often go all day, or sometimes more than 24 hours without actually consuming food. YIKES. I absolutely know this isn’t healthy, and I have been working on this by bringing smaller snacks around and trying to eat at least one big meal per day.

I know I am not the Avatar and I am not the master of all elements. I fail at a lot of things. But, at the very least I try to be insightful and careful, and see things as serving a higher purpose.

I have been depressed for a long time. I am an anxious person, and I struggle a lot to just find peace within myself. I know that my own happiness is my responsibility, and I can not rely on other people or external sources to secure me. This is a really, really hard thing to do, but I am learning nonetheless. I am trying to shift my habits, peers, and lifestyle to mimic the ultimate goal in mind. I’ve started meditating, which has helped me processes a lot of internal conflict. Daily life is still a struggle, but I am slowly trying to adjust myself to make my life what I want it to be.

I want to stay accountable for my actions. I want to feel confident in my decisions, knowing that I am both serving myself and others, if possible. Ideally, I want to encourage positive energy and karma to come my way. I am tired of struggling.

Generally, I find that people suffer from problems they perpetuate. Not every issue is our fault, but continuing to juggle the same issue continuously is. Usually, there are solutions and mediators to most issues. Currently, I am trying to solve my problems with positivity and smart choices. I am focusing on eating right, on refreshing my personal space, and spending time with my support group. In the past, my ‘coping’ mechanisms were MUCH less healthy- partying, alcohol, and hookups were how I handled my internal turbulence. Now days, I strive for happiness through personal enlightenment and self awareness. I am trying to become the best version of myself, and I understand now more than ever that indulging in worldly things is the exact opposite way to obtain happiness and satisfaction.

We are all human. We will all experience a human life, which involves struggle and hardship. But I am learning that personal peace is my own responsibility. I am working on myself daily.

I feel an acute pain in my heart. A heaviness that weighs me down, I am left dragging my feet. The feeling is so intense. Eating is a chore, and I wish I could reignite the spark that once motivated me to cook, clean, and organize so thoroughly. I am sad and scorned, betrayed and hurt, and yet I love so purely and so deeply still.

People desire redemption for themselves, and justice for others. When they are in need, help is expected if not demanded. How dare the world turn a cold shoulder to me, they say! They need forgiveness. They need mercy. They need protection and comfort.

But no one wants to do the hard work, and give redemption and mercy to those in need. The homeless deserve their predicament. That customer was inconsiderate anyways. I will cut in front of you on the highway, but I be damned if you cut in front of me.

Why do humans function this way? We are selfish creatures- at least some of us. Humans become distracted with the ego, and fail to see the importance of the greater good. We are poorly trained in the art of delayed gratification. We lack patience, empathy, and respect. We take but do not give.

I am heavy. I am carrying the load of others on my shoulders. I constantly forgive. I am the last to judge or demonize. I am an empath by nature, a loving and caring soul, and I spread myself thin for people who only take and never give back. They rarely give back. They only give back if it somehow, someway, benefits them.

Why does the old soul weep? We see the ignorance of man and cry. We feel the pain and resentment of others and turn that energy into love and compassion- an expensive process, for the emotional mind. I sometimes wish things were different. I wish I could close my eyes, wake up, and begin to feel selfish and non-waivered in my human complex. How fresh it would feel to finally not feel the burdens of those without a heart.

Regardless, I stay true to my natural roots. I do not wish harm or discomfort for others. But I see how fragile I become when I allow too much energy in at once. I can only be nurturing for so long, until I too need to be nurtured and fed.

This post is to celebrate the empaths, the healers, the kind souls in this world. Do not change as you face a cruel world. Do not let your light and vibration dim because the world demands so. Our physical reality is only flesh. Our emotional, spiritual existence is eternal. I would rather spend my days uplifting others. I will not change my good heart. But please, do understand, I am tired.

Hi friends!

If you read into my post from June, you’ll know I have some big plans for the future.

After returning to Texas from NYU, I took off two years before considering returning to academia. Life has been (considerably) overwhelming, and there was no way I would be able to handle both working and school until now.

I have returned to school at The University of Texas at Dallas, where I am finishing up pre-reqs, brushing up on material, and preparing to apply for graduate school once this process is doooneeee. I will not be attending grad school at UTD, because they do not offer the program I want, but it is a decent place to start to get my foot back in the door.

I am excited to accomplish a graduate degree that will enable me to work in a field I really feel called to. Working as a therapist would be a fulfilling career choice, and I am keeping this in the back of my mind as I return to the world of homework, studying, and sleepless nights.

So long as everything continues as planned, I should be able to finish everything up within three years time. This gives me some lee-way in case I need to take a lower course load for whatever reason. I am trying to remind myself that none of this is a race, and there is no real rush to the finish line. My focus should ideally just be on obtaining the degree, not the time frame it takes to get there… but, being controlling and OCD as usual, I have had a difficult time allowing myself any room for slip ups and failures along the way.

 

A few things I am trying to remember during this time:

1. Taking time off school was much needed, and I am not a failure for waiting until the time was right for me to return. 
2. Spending less time with friends and more time in class is frustrating, but luckily my friends and family are very supportive of me and understand that I now have less free time than usual.
   

   I am an overwhelmed bich and it shows. (Sometimes.)

3. I need to spend adequate time studying and preparing for class. Buying proper supplies, planning for tests and assignments, and otherwise organizing my schedule is really important to keep me on track. I have a terrible tendency to forget things. 
4. Taking out student loans really effing sucks, but will be worth it in the end. Although admittedly, I am dumbfounded as to why FAFSA thinks I can afford books, let alone tuition. YALL SEE MY TAX RETURNS, PEOPLE. (Buuuut….after all, who doesn’t have student debt at this point?) 
   

   Not my text… but def my thoughts. #bookscostmorethanrent

5. For the love of God and all things holy, PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT, NATALIE! 

Right now, I am taking three classes and working full time. I have been able to manage this pretty well, with night classes and whatnot. I feel comfortable with the pace of the classes, and think I will be able to maintain this throughout upcoming semesters. 

So, on a happy note, I’m looking forward to the rest of this semester and the classes to come. WISH ME LUCK!

 

 

2018 was the most difficult year of my life.

Pain and heartbreak were the biggest motifs of the year. I never knew that this much brokenness could reside in the heart of one individual human. Before this year, I had experienced hurt. In 2018, I experienced pain- raw, unbelievably bitter, stomach dropping, chest numbing pain. Although 2019 is here, is goin’, and is rockin’… my body is far from dispelling completely the built up trauma and aching residing amongst my flesh and bones.

A lot of blogs write poetically about their ability to move on from such events, to crawl out from the hole with grace and beauty, to seamlessly transition into a beautiful butterfly after rolling out of bed and having all the answers to their questions finally resolved. That ain’t me sis! My stubborn personality, my resilience, my resistance to help… all this and more attributed to my prolonged and messy suffering.

How do we just let go of the past? How can anyone feel better after losing people or parts of their life that once encompassed such a huge fraction of their happiness? I truly don’t have solid answers to any of this, but I wanted to share some of the key components of my own personal healing thus far.

First of all, you should let yourself grieve. You absolutely need to fucking grieve. Feel sorry as hell for yourself. Cry like a baby. Take a 2 hour long shower. Forget to text people back. Take time off work. Let yourself feel sad. Allow yourself to feel an emotion that is very uncomfortable. 

This is a really big part of recovery. When I was admitted inpatient after being hospitalized last summer, I was struggling to find hope of ever feeling “better”. I would cry to the nurses, to my medical staff, to the peers around me. In times of great loss, I find that people often do not know what to say to be of comfort. Finally, a family therapist on staff sat me down one evening and braced me with the truth.

“Natalie,” he told me. “You have been through a lot. You have lost a tremendous amount in a short period of time. Have you ever thought about giving yourself some time to grieve?”

I was surprised. Never, even in years of therapy past, had I been challenged with this offer. I always associated grief around death of a loved one, not stopping to think that perhaps the biggest source of loss in life is in fact from the people and things taken from us but not from this earth. All the things I so dearly missed were, for the most part, merely a plane ride or a phone call away- and this was driving me absolutely insane.

The therapist placed a seed in my mind. I did not have to be “okay” at the end of all this. I did not have to walk out of my therapy session or even my inpatient stay happily. I was allowed to be upset. The only thing I needed to focus on was surviving.

So, the first thing I can advise is to allow grief into your psyche. Allow yourself to mourn over your loss, to cry, and to be held- even if it is you that holds yourself.

Secondly, you must begin ridding yourself of toxic people and things still in your life. What does this look like? Well, to begin…

• No one deserves your tears, especially if they caused you enough pain to cry. Forget about being the bigger person. Fuck off anyone who does not bring you positivity, encouragement, and love. Even if this means cutting off some family for the time being, then DO IT. FOR YOU!
• With this being said, you should cleanse your social media. Delete pictures. Delete (or even block!) people who need to go. I actually went an entire six months completely offline, which was amazing, and something I highly recommend.
•  Throw away or donate clothes and items you do not need, or that do not fit. This is especially important for someone struggling with an eating disorder, or someone who places a lot of sentiment and memories onto items.
•  Challenge unhealthy habits. Drug use, smoking, self-harm, isolation… all of these habits tend to be coping mechanisms for bigger issues. More on this later, but changing a toxic lifestyle is very important.

Third. Now that you have rid yourself of shit people and shit things, you may find yourself pretty lonely. You can not heal alone, however, and a support network is incredibly necessary for recovery. As hard as it may be, you really need to find people that are “in your corner” and will help you through the hardship.

I met a lot of great people through therapy and outpatient programs. Even if I did not stay in touch with them long-term, they provided the support I needed at the time. I also became very close to my immediate family, as well as long time friends who have loved me and supported me since childhood. As time went on, I met some absolutely amazing friends through working at Southwest Airlines. These are the people who I still rely on today. I would also like to point out that there are many online resources for support groups. I have discovered great, closed (or ‘private’) groups on Facebook for women, feminism, and even mental health.

Part 2 coming later this week. Please let me know what you think of these things that helped me.

Nat