Despite the really terrible things 2020 has brought on, I still have found this year to bring many blessings and wake up calls. One of those blessings would be my husband, Jose, who is one of the best humans I have met in my life.
We were friends for a long time, before ever dating or becoming a couple. I think this set us up for success, in reality, because I knew how great of a human he was in a completely platonic way before anything else happened. Once we decided to be together, lots of things just fell into place perfectly. I could not have asked for it to have turned out better.
Shortly after getting married in September, we found out that I was pregnant! The new was exciting and also a bit scary, seeing how soon it happened. But, in relation to my past with pregnancy and loss, I felt really confident this time around.
In 2019, I was still in a back and forth, toxic relationship with my ex. I discovered I was pregnant in December 2018, and was stressed during the entire pregnancy. My ex, at the time, was heavily pressuring me into an abortion. He told me at one point that if I did not abort, that he would kick me in the stomach. I refused to abort, because I wanted to keep my baby, and it was not his choice.
I spent the next few months in distress, to say in the least. My ex was still talking to other girls, lying to me about a lot of what he was doing, and overall treated me very poorly. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse and neglect were common, and I was an emotional mess. I spent a lot of time crying, worrying, and not getting any sleep. Financially I was struggling, and my ex did not help with that situation, either. I wasn’t eating enough, I was constantly sad or angry, and somehow I still had to work a 40 hour work week. To put it simply, it was a lot to deal with.
Despite seeing a healthy heartbeat at my first checkup at 7 weeks, I lost the pregnancy in the third month. It was a very scary, traumatic experience and made me very anxious to ever have another pregnancy. I was deeply hurt and depressed, and did not speak about the issue often because very few folks even knew I was pregnant at the time.
Alongside the miscarriage, I was also struggling with the new discovery of my bicornuate uterus. While it is not entirely uncommon, my OBGYN considers the condition to be sort-of like a “unicorn” of uteri and that not a huge population of women are affected. My uterus (or rather, two uterus) are deviated deeply, making the cavity of each uterus very small. This condition, in general, makes pregnancy a difficult and sometimes high-risk experience. I was terrified that all my pregnancies would result in miscarriage because of it.
Flash-forward to now, late 2020. I am just over 17 weeks pregnant as I type this, and so far, this pregnancy has been healthy. My husband is a life-saver, and it is an amazing feeling to know and see how much he adores me and the unborn baby. He has made this pregnancy a really nice, exciting experience- a complete 180 difference from my last one. Jose has been over the moon the entire time, and his family is incredibly supportive, excited, and uplifting as well.
The emotional turmoil of having a pregnancy after loss has been very difficult to manage. I wake up every day, happy to see a growing belly, but also terrified that something might not be right during the next appointment. I am scared to go to the bathroom, fearing that I will see blood, and every pain or cramp sends me into anxiety. I am so blessed that I have Jose in my life, and that both our families have been wonderful during this journey. I know that the universe has heard my prayers and manifestations, and is finally sending me blessings and happiness.
Jose and I wanted a girl for the longest. I mean, what woman doesn’t want a “mini-me”? (Okay, I take that back, maybe a lot of women don’t… hehe). Jose also saw himself as a girl dad, dressing her up and pampering her. But, come our gender reveal, we found out we are having a boy! Admittedly it has taken me a minute to come to reality with that, but of course, I am still happy as ever.
We have already been gifted so much baby gear. Jose’s dad just bought us a beautiful crib, and we are in the process of converting our second room into a nursery. I will write more on the process of this, as well as other pregnancy experiences I have. For now, I just wanted to announce the happy news to all.
We are so excited to meet our little one in May 2021!