Thank you to everyone who read, commented, and messaged me about my June post on my near-death experience with suicide. I am so appreciative of everyone’s support, and I hope that my message helped anyone who is in need of strength or motivation.
I am typically an over-sharer, if anything, and tend to not hold back in conversation or on social media. Even from a young age, I have shared my pro-choice, body-posi, ED-aware, LQBTQ+ support from every angle of my life. I talk about it, I share quotes and articles online, and practically catapult myself forward into any movement I feel called to stand behind. I am usually an open book.
So to take a serious social media hiatus was a big deal (at least, to me). I spent close to 6 months or more completely offline after my event last June. After my slow return, I still kept to myself and even deleted images and posts I no longer felt eager to share. It was very difficult to think of the trauma, let alone share my experience to people I am not close to. Only a few vital family and friends knew what had happened, and I was quite worried of sharing my information online for co-workers, old friends, and past colleagues to see.
I am glad that I made the decision to open up publicly. My mother and close friends encouraged me to do so, because I truly have made so much progress mentally (and physically). Hopefully, my post serves to help people currently struggling. If I am able to help someone in any capacity, sharing my story was completely worth while.
Time has passed and I am still not completely over the ordeal. The emotional labor, the physical trauma, and the absolute mental mind-fuck that I survived throughout 2018 was indescribable. I would be a fool to say I have been able to completely unpacked everything that manifested that day, the days after, or even throughout the aggressive build-up to the attempt. I know that this is something I will carry with me throughout the rest of my life, and I have to be okay with that.
But, in retrospect, my life has greatly improved in nearly every aspect. I genuinely feel the happiest and most satisfied that I ever have. Things are not always easy, but I am proud of how far I have come. I am sharing some of the things that have helped me regain some sort of balance after a lot of chaos.
Travelling. I made a goal to explore last year, and made really great memories along the way. I will make a separate blog post about all the cool places I went to during 2019, but for now I will add in a few cool pics.
Travelling and seeing the world really helped me realize how small my problems seem in comparison to how big the world is. Getting out of my home town area and experiencing different climates and cultures was exhilarating. I feel like travelling can become a bit of an addiction- the rush of planning, booking, and going on a trip is so thrilling. I was able to grow in a healthy way, and make memories alongside great friends.
Making new friends, and strengthening those I already have. (Also, growing apart from some people). I really enjoy meeting new characters and seeing all the different personalities the world has to offer. I think it is important to get social sometimes and put yourself in new and sometimes uncomfortable situations, if at least for the sake of networking. I have met a lot of really cool and talented folks through events and travelling.
I suppose it is only fair to say that I also lost people this year. I am working to stay true to myself, and true to what I believe is best for me in the long run- and unfortunately some people removed themselves or were removed from my life this year. I am trying my best to handle this maturely, and with kindness.
Investing time into spirituality and finding my higher self. I have gone back and forth with religion (Christianity) and I suppose if you ask me, I’ll tell you I’m a Christian. I belong to the Methodist church and for the most part, I’ve met decent individuals through this denomination. But I still do not fully identify with Christian teachings, and for my own personal peace, it is important for me to continue down a path of spirituality and finding my own sense of higher power.
I am cautious about certain alternative practices, such as paganism or witch-craft, but I do think certain non-conforming practices are really practical and useful. I began occasional meditation, and even went to a meditation class. I found this to be helpful alongside regular therapy. I also really enjoy “cleansing” spaces with sage or herbs, and have meddled in Tarot card readings too.
I want to stop fighting to universe and my natural path. I want to learn to be better in-tune with my environment and the messages energies are trying to give me. I downloaded Co-Star and The Pattern, which are really helpful and enlightening apps. Of course, who knows how legit all of this is. But it does help me and I really enjoy learning about it.
Embracing my weirdness. Or fuck, at least trying to. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an oddball, goofy person, and that probably won’t change much over time. I really think that I’ve developed humor as a coping mechanism for some things, but I don’t find it to be much of an issue- if anything, it helps me be more honest. I am trying my best to just be myself and better express what I like and don’t like in life, and being more firm about embracing and celebrating my individuality and independence.
In order to move on after trauma… you have to put in a lot of work. A lot of time is spent staring at yourself at the bottom of the barrel, and trying to figure out how you’ve contributed to your own fuck ups. I have made the choice to move on in life, to get up and prosper and continue to take steps forward. I have been given the gift of life and have quite literally been spared from death, and for that I feel obligated to embrace the ups and downs in life and roll with the punches. I am looking forward to this new year and my continued growth.