Adulthood is difficult. I’ve come to realize that the “grown ups” in my life are probably, in many ways, just as clueless about decisions, growth and decisiveness as I am. Growing up isn’t a linear path. It isn’t even a process that can be thought out and prepared for. Transitioning from youth into an independent, resourceful and successful individual is a strange and scary process, and I understand why most everyone fails along the way.
I don’t come to this post with judgement. I am aware and okay with the fact that no one is perfect, and everyone is flawed. I do, however, think that at some point in time it is important (if not absolutely vital) for everyone to start taking accountability for their actions if they ever want to get their life and goals in check. At the end of the day, we are completely responsible for our own success and happiness.
I reflect a lot on my life, my past, all these crazy things I could have done differently. What if I never moved back to Texas? What if I never said this, what if I never did that? All these hypothetical “what ifs” plague a good majority of my mental capacity. I am working to combat this, because living presently and in the moment is the only true was to experience life and happiness. Continuously bastardizing myself for past mistakes or fantasy situations is pointless, and a waste of energy. I am working on becoming more comfortable with reality, and that is okay.
With this being said, I am becoming more enlightened to my own strengths and weaknesses every day. I think this is an important first step in accepting myself, prioritizing myself, and valuing myself.
Things I know I am good at:
- Empathy. I am an empath by nature and nurturing others is the name of the game. I am a good listener, maintain a sharp memory and will always go above and beyond for the people that I love.
- Work Ethic. I want to be on time. I want to do a job well. I want to have a good morale, and an enjoyable presence at work or in my personal projects.
- Loyalty. If you didn’t already know, my Scorpio ass is VERY loyal and committing. I am true to my word, and will go out of my way to make sure I am staying reliable and open to others.
- Passion. You best believe that when I want something, ain’t nothin’ stopping me! I will happily stay up past my bedtime, work in overdrive, and engulf myself in an idea or person if it means I feel happy and successful at the end.
- Humor. Oh lawd, I am a goofy person. I am serious and intense in most of my endeavors, but anyone who knows me can attest to my light hearted, sometimes non-PC sense of humor.
Things I am working on:
- Self care. This includes boundaries, emotional connections, things of the sort. I know it is important for me to say “no” sometimes, and I am working on that.
- Self respect. I want to respect myself. My close friend, Eddy, once told me that he wishes I saw myself the way others see me, because if I knew my worth and value I would not allow others to mistreat me.
- Nourishing myself. When I am stressed or depressed, I have next to no appetite. I will often go all day, or sometimes more than 24 hours without actually consuming food. YIKES. I absolutely know this isn’t healthy, and I have been working on this by bringing smaller snacks around and trying to eat at least one big meal per day.
I know I am not the Avatar and I am not the master of all elements. I fail at a lot of things. But, at the very least I try to be insightful and careful, and see things as serving a higher purpose.
I have been depressed for a long time. I am an anxious person, and I struggle a lot to just find peace within myself. I know that my own happiness is my responsibility, and I can not rely on other people or external sources to secure me. This is a really, really hard thing to do, but I am learning nonetheless. I am trying to shift my habits, peers, and lifestyle to mimic the ultimate goal in mind. I’ve started meditating, which has helped me processes a lot of internal conflict. Daily life is still a struggle, but I am slowly trying to adjust myself to make my life what I want it to be.
I want to stay accountable for my actions. I want to feel confident in my decisions, knowing that I am both serving myself and others, if possible. Ideally, I want to encourage positive energy and karma to come my way. I am tired of struggling.
Generally, I find that people suffer from problems they perpetuate. Not every issue is our fault, but continuing to juggle the same issue continuously is. Usually, there are solutions and mediators to most issues. Currently, I am trying to solve my problems with positivity and smart choices. I am focusing on eating right, on refreshing my personal space, and spending time with my support group. In the past, my ‘coping’ mechanisms were MUCH less healthy- partying, alcohol, and hookups were how I handled my internal turbulence. Now days, I strive for happiness through personal enlightenment and self awareness. I am trying to become the best version of myself, and I understand now more than ever that indulging in worldly things is the exact opposite way to obtain happiness and satisfaction.
We are all human. We will all experience a human life, which involves struggle and hardship. But I am learning that personal peace is my own responsibility. I am working on myself daily.