This post isn’t supposed to be a sob story or my personal testimony of taking Lorazepam daily to keep me from crying at work. I’m writing this post as an outlet, and to maybe help others who are going through something similar.
I’ve lost a lot recently- at least, that is how I feel. I won’t get too detailed, but many important events have happened in my life lately that have left me feeling heartbroken and pretty defeated. I have great friends and family for support, but ultimately, I can’t help but feel pretty shitty most of the time.
I’m doing everything I “should” be doing to feel better. I go to therapy twice a week, I am focused at my full-time job, I’m consistent on my SSRI medication, I read self help books, I journal, I spend time alone and with people who support me. But holy fuck, when I get into bed at night alone, more often than not I feel pretty damn empty.
Heartbreak is never an easy emotion. I had a discussion with my therapist about this. For perfectly healthy, average individuals without depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, going through heartbreak is devastating. It’s like arriving at a party only to realize there’s chip and dip and maybe an 80’s song playing on a half-broken speaker. Then, when you throw in depression in the mix, the whole party is basically held at a dumpster behind the alley of a crack house. It’s a pretty big shit show, if you catch my drift.
I’ve never, in my entire life of struggle, felt an emotion this intensely. I can’t even describe how much pain my heart is in on the daily. I feel like my body is on fire, and there is nothing but gasoline in the air to fuel it. I feel like my few safe spaces have been torn from my hands, and now I am forced to build shelter out of near to nothing. My body aches in a way it has never before ached. My heart is in more pain than I knew it could handle. And yet, here I am, somehow still standing.
I know that living with mental illness alone is a complex task as it is, and throwing a partner into the mix can be tricky. But if there is anything I have learned in the past few years, it is that those who hurt the most often love the most as well. Despite how badly I have been hurt, I still can not help but feel the utmost purest form of empathy. I love unconditionally, entirely, and without limits. I love others in the way that I too would hope to be loved. Never would I want anyone to feel alone, sad, or helpless in the way I do right now.
My depression has taken a toll since this issue, as has my anxiety. I had to ensure I was taking care of myself and adjust my medication and therapy as needed.
Moreover, my stress has decreased my appetite to near non-existence. I can’t really chew or stomach much of anything these days. But in order to make sure I am maintaining my nutrition, I take vitamins and supplements and whatever I do eat is high in the calories and nutrition I am needing.
On the same note, I have been trying to remain active. I walk my dog multiple times a week, go to yoga relatively frequently, and stretch and meditate a few times during the week as well. I’m trying to keep my mind and body distracted as to not feel pain or sadness.
I’ve hurt, cried, and questioned the universe more times than I can count lately. But I can only hope and pray to whatever god is out there that this too shall pass. I know my value, and my worth. I know I am kind, sincere, and beautiful from the inside out. I know that I am valuable, honest, loyal, and sweet as can be. I know my importance, and if you are struggling, I hope you know your importance, too.
Heartbreak hurts, and I don’t really think there is a way around the feeling besides getting though the discomfort. My therapist has advised me that we often grow the most in the darkest times in our lives. I hope this is true.